It’s not easy being an introvert or highly sensitive person (HSP) when things are not going as you’d like them. You feel inner distress so much more acutely than others do. At the same time, you are the peaceful type, one who appreciates harmony and dislikes discord, conflict or confrontation. Still, it is possible to speak up in a respectful manner, regardless of your personality type or natural aversions.
All of this came into my personal life recently. We’re having the interior of our home painted and I dreamed of soothing colors. I even thought I picked them on the color chart. Yet, when the first color went up, it was just to stimulating for me. There’s my dilemma: How do I tell the painter I want it changed? And then, I naturally go off onto other related concerns, too, like the time and effort it took him to do this much.
So I spent more than 24 hours running different scenarios in my head of what I would say and how he might react. Being prepared for an array of outcomes is very helpful to this process. I felt my inner turmoil, wanting to avoid the confrontation and not wanting to have things stay the way they were. I was spinning!
Holding things in or keeping them to yourself is simply not the best way to go. Why? Because that means you are willingly shouldering the burden on your own. It silently says you are prepared to absorb and own all the tension by yourself. This is not a self-loving act for anyone. Additionally, you are showing others what you hold as your self-image.
Likely, you are holding back because you choose to avoid the tension of a confrontation, which may or may not lead to conflict. All the while, your inner tension is mounting. So there is tension regardless of which route you choose to pursue.
Here are three steps to speaking up that manage your tension while reliving your inner angst:
First, feel into what is disturbing you. What is it? Which emotions are kicked up? To what degree? Get clear words in place that express your distress, disappointment or whatever you are disturbed about.
Next, center in your heart. Create an intention you wish to fulfill by your initial actions and throughout the discussion. For example, it might be that you wish to act from kindness toward all involved, including yourself. Or it might be to stand firm in your beliefs, but remain flexible around the outcome. This is the step that most helps you avoid conflict.
Then, speak up. Release any attachment to a particular outcome which you might find most desirable. Instead, set a tone that promotes collaborative resolution where all contribute to the result.
My plans of what to say to the painter were eased with this process and by knowing how to approach the conversation. So what happened? It all worked out easier than I ever imagined. The next work day, he walked in and asked how I liked the color. It was the door opening that relieved my tension. I simply had to say it didn’t work for me and move back to the color chart to select new ones. Then, it occurred to me that I wasn’t the first one to ever tell him this news. It was something he expects on every job. The anguish was all mine over a little thing that was easily solved.
There are so many rewards from taking this approach. You are releasing your tension to allow for an equitable resolution. You also gain self-respect and self-confidence from expressing yourself. Not to mention that you get experience. Each time you use this method, it becomes easier.
And then comes the ultimate benefit: you have your inner peace once again.
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Introverts and highly sensitive individuals often feel awkward, confused and at odds with life. They can be unsure of themselves, hesitant to ask or act. It doesn’t have to stay that way for you or for any other person you know. It is possible to feel comfortable, open and at ease in whatever you do or say. You can be confident and assured. That’s transforming the mystery into magic!
Where does the mystery come from? That’s easy. As we grow up with our families, go to school and learn to get along with others, we absorb that being different is not a good thing. Conformity becomes part of an unspoken language we all know. We need others to survive and give us what we need. We learn to compare ourselves to others to give us a sense of safety.
We are often falsely comparing themselves to others who are not like us…and coming up short. Why? It’s simply a number game because others outnumber us by about 3 to 1. We’ve also have copied what others do or say only to not find the same successes. All this leaves the us feeling frustrated, disappointed and often overwhelmed. If the pattern continues, it often can lead to hopelessness and withdrawal.
I’ve felt it, too. Comparison and conformity play with our needs to be liked and accepted. One cannot survive this life alone, so these needs are close to your heart. When they are not met fully, it intensifies the feelings of being flawed, broken or missing something that others seem to have and you don’t. It can feel quite puzzling, like being in a hall of mirrors not knowing what is real and what is not.
Here’s where the magic comes in. The magic happens when you discover and believe that you are complete just as you are – part human, part spirit and totally wonderful. That’s when you start embracing all your innate gifts, talents and strengths – ones that have always been there, but you’ve kept below the surface until now. Life starts to flow. You are calm and centered. You feel your inner strength and it feels wonderful.
The secret of transforming the mystery to the magic lies in the first three steps of my 4-Step Cycle: Integrity, Awareness and Acceptance. These inner steps allow you to rewrite your past programming, freeing you from its bonds. Eventually, you reach the fourth step – Action – and when you do, taking that focused, aligned action will be so graceful and easy that it amazes you.
Learn more about the 4-Step Cycle here
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
So how’s your list coming along? You might remember that in my last post, I asked you to list what rattled you from each of your five senses. For instance, I’ve found that too many things jumping in front of my eyes, continual loud sounds (like crowd noise), scratchy clothes, foul smells along with many foods cause me distress. Your list likely looks similar.
One main key to success with your sensitivity is to manage or adjust what you take in. Don’t get me wrong here: this is NOT mean you create an impermeable barrier or seal yourself off. It does mean you tone down or moderate the amount of sensory stimuli you are exposed to. With that in mind, let’s move on to the 4 steps I promised you.
Which sense(s) is (are) your most sensitive? From your list, you can tell which sense or senses most affect you. They are the ones with the longer lists of what rattles you. You’ll want to work on these first to get the most benefit in a short time. You’ll get to everything else in time.
Locate specifically what irritates you. Let me give you a personal example. When we moved into our current home 5 years ago, it had an ancient dishwasher. With the room arrangement, I could hear it nearly everywhere when it was running. So imagine after dinner, it was running and that you want to watch television or read. The cacophony was nearly deafening.
Discover what you can do about it. Some things we simply have to accept because we cannot change them, like being stuck in traffic behind a big truck or bus belching noxious fumes. That’s why it is best to be aware of your stimuli and soothing your senses all the time. That means when you run into something you cannot do something about, you will be in a better spot to take it.
With everything else, you really have several choices– to eliminate it (which is best) or to adjust it. For me, I decided to purchase a new dishwasher. You bet I was looking at the decibel rating on each model I considered.
Continue to experiment from your discoveries about how to soothe your senses even more. This can be the fun step. Here’s where you really get to fine tune your experiences of your senses. You can indulge them, such as by eating your favorite food, listening to pleasurable music or sniffing a much loved fragrance.
Ahhhhh, can you see that you’ve come full circle – from annoyance to enjoyment? Wonderful, huh?
What the biggest benefit I’ve found from using these methods? It’s not having a horrible experience of being in your body. Chances are that before now you haven’t liked being highly sensitive. Me neither, because I was at odds with my sensitive body. Once I learned how it needed to be treated, the distress released, allowing my sensitivity to blossom into a part of me that I now cherish. You can have it that way, too.
Soothing your senses and calm down your body. Your emotions will naturally follow.
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Over the years of dealing with introverts and highly sensitive people (HSPs), I’ve found some distinct differences. Self-care is one of them.
Introverts most often ignore their own self-care because of trying to conform. They compare themselves to other who are not like them and feel different. Not wanting to call attention to themselves or stand out, they follow what others do and neglect what’s best for them.
Highly sensitive people are different. Why? First of all, many don’t even know they are highly sensitive. How can you care for something if you don’t know it exists? Exactly! If you are wondering whether you could be or if someone near to you are highly sensitive, take this easy self-test to find out
Once they get that they are highly sensitive, then what? Yeah, it’s vague and fuzzy around what one can do. I was no different when I first realized my sensitivity. Part of me was proud of the discovery and another part frightened. “Ack, now what?” came to mind.
Since that realization in 2002, I’ve done lots of experimenting to find out what’s best for me. I’ve also guided others on this path to finding the right environments for them. Each of us is different so it does take a personalized recipe to cook up what’s best for you.
Here’s how you can get started:
Your highly sensitive nature relates to your nervous system, not your emotions. Your nervous system takes in stimuli through your five senses. So think of sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch. What rattles you from these sources? Make a list related to each sense.
Congratulations on taking the first step to understanding your own highly sensitive nature.
Stop back in a few days when I’ll have 4 steps for you to bring out more from your list. I’ll also share the greatest benefit I’ve found from being highly sensitive.
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Yes, your introvert does need some special care. Why? Simply because our energy profile is different from those other folks. We gain, use and drain energy in unique ways.
Here are some tips for better care of your introvert:
Honor yourself just as you are. Respect and acceptance start from within. No one else will believe in you if you can’t do it for yourself. One very common issue I handle with my clients is their feeling of being flawed, not enough or missing something that others seem to have. Spiritually speaking, ask yourself this question: Would your maker put you here without everything you needed? Of course not. If you feel you need something more to live as you want, then the only path is to discover it inside of yourself.
Give up the story. So many times I’ve seen clients reject themselves simply because of something that happened to them long ago. Then we unweave their story and they see it was just one possible interpretation of what happened. Any of us can write new meanings for our limiting life experiences, if we are willing. When you do, you break the bonds of the victim mentality that is holding you hostage, not to mention freeing up the energy you’ve used to hold it in place.
Take some quiet time for yourself every day. Do nothing. Meditate. Read something inspiring. Listen to moving music. Just be. I like it when it’s so quiet that I can hear the clock ticking in the next room. This is the time to process what is going on in your life and to explore your emotions and reactions around it. Indulge yourself. It’s worth it.
Pick your relationships carefully. I’ve seen many introverts hurt by them holding on to unfulfilling relationships. So what should you aim for? Find others who appreciate you for who you are – all of you! You want to be with those people who see and value your gifts, like your quirky humor and clever insights. You want to have people in your life who build you up. You want to relate to those you understand you and give you what you need. Please don’t forget this is a two-way street: you have to open up and be yourself in order to find fulfilling friends and colleagues.
When you get these ingredients going for yourself, your energy profile changes. You stop draining energy and feeling depleted. You learn to use energy, but not so that it lets you run dry. You also see how you can gather uplifting energy from others. Ahhhh, life transforms.
What can you do to take better care of your introvert?
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Did that title ruffle your feathers or soothe your soul? You see, there are some people who think that introverts just need to conform to how the rest of the world does things. NO! We are distinct and deserve our own room simply to be ourselves.
Your introvert is a set of attributes with which you’ve been blessed. Many of those attributes can be summed up in your quick mind and soft heart. You love playing with ideas and having deep discussions, especially around your passions. You also can be known for your divergent thinking, pointing out what others fail to see or taking things in a direction others never thought of. You are also caring and compassionate, thinking about other people and of their circumstances. This is why your heart may ache right now for what has happened from the Haiti earthquake.
But why do things differently than the majority of the population? Simply because you are different and that’s a good thing. Differences bring depth and dimension to life and deserve to be celebrated. That’s when the real richness of life begins.
It’s easy to follow what others do. Just be careful who you follow, because the wrong example can send you crashing. I used to think that I was “high maintenance” because I needed so much more rest and other special care than others I knew. Then I learned I was making a false comparison, such as saying an apple should be like a banana.
Taking care of yourself is all about what you need to be your best, not what others need or do. It’s a self-crafted formula or routine you follow just for you. Shaping your own customs allows you to fit it specifically to you like a fine set of clothes. And this is where the value starts to blossom, for you are taking care of your spirit as well as your body.
Inner Adventurers release the external world of norms, mores and expectations to live from their core essence. Living from their core, they are on a true course to a well-spent life of purpose and passion.
Part 2 coming with more specific tips…For now, honor your introvert.
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Have you ever wondered where your introvert ends and your highly sensitive person begins? For me, having grown up with both characteristics, I found it hard to figure out which was affecting me. It seemed like it was all muddled together. Without knowing which, I felt stymied to know what to do next. So let’s untangle these essential attributes.
First of all, it’s good to realize that about 70% or more of highly sensitive people (HSP) are also introverted, according to Elaine Aron in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person. That means there are likely many of us wondering the same thing as I was.
By the way, are you wondering if you or someone near to you are highly sensitive? This easy self-test will show you
And this is the perfect exploration for Inner Adventurers. We love getting to the nitty-gritty of something, assessing its fine points and truly appreciating each part of the whole. Not to mention the enlightened self-understanding it brings!
Here’s the separation as simply as I can put it:
- Your introvert is a personality preference. It is how your mind relates to the world.
- Your highly sensitive person is a physical and sensory thing. It is how your body relates to the world.
So many times, it is not simply one or the other. For example, both your introvert and your highly sensitive person like quiet and calm along with a slower pace of life. Your introvert likes it because it is not a surface-skimmer, but something that likes to dive deep to fully understand. Your highly sensitive person likes it because the sensory stimuli are less and your body has more time to absorb the stimuli it gets.
Also, many people mix up emotional reactivity with either of these traits. Yes, it is connected but it’s not the attribute itself. Another way to say it is that it is a symptom, but not the source. Our type more easily becomes emotionally reactive when your introvert is unsure or when your highly sensitive person is over stimulated. That’s why self-care becomes an important routine for our type. It’s taking the time alone to be with your introvert and get your highly sensitive person away from stimuli that makes this life a much more enjoyable ride.
Plus, childhood memories recorded their impressions on you through both your introvert and highly sensitive person. What happened to you has both mind and body imprints. This is why we can often find ourselves stuck in our stories, denying what is truth today in favor of what we believe so strongly from a past experience.
Keep in mind that neither of these characteristics is the real you. These are just part of your human experience. The real you is that divine spirit beneath all the humanity you bring to this life. Mix that into your Inner Adventure to find the line for you.
Have fun!
Come explore the Once and For All: Progress That Sticks process in a free Preview call on January 18 for the upcoming six session tele-series, which starts on February 1. You can find out everything here…
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
It is the time of year for many folks to create improvements through resolutions. How well do they work for you?
If you are like so many others, resolutions fade with time. The realities of life overtake the resolution, moving your attention to other seemingly more pressing things.
And how does that make you feel? Frustrated? Disappointed? Like a loser? Yeah, this is the worst part of it because you feel like you’ve failed.
Inner Adventurers dislike feeling of failure because they know they aren’t the truth. Truth comes from figuring things out, working around barriers or obstacles and mastering the inner game of achievement. They are creative self-starters, willing to learn better ways and employ them.
I have an alternative for those feeling of failure and lack of achieving what you want: one that offers you support right now before your resolutions fade and one that helps you achieve what you want. It’s called Once and For All: Progress That Sticks. Here’s what it can do for you:
- You no longer feel stalled or stuck
- You discover how to break inertia and get into productive motion
- You engage all of you in pursuit of what you want – heart, mind and spirit
- You have a process you can rely on and use to track your progress
- You find your own pace, freeing you from any overwhelm
- You can use it with other systems, like the Law of Attraction
- You get rid of any debilitating feelings around not achieving
- You find out just how creative you really are in getting what you want
- You believe in yourself like never before
- You learn a process you can replicate, one that becomes a life skill for you
- You take charge of your future
Too good to be true? Not really, because I’ve used this system since 2004. I’ve taught others to use it, too. I know it works
Come explore the Once and For All: Progress That Sticks process in a free Preview call on January 18 for the upcoming six session tele-series, which starts on February 1. You can find out everything here…
OR Buy the Once and For All: Progress That Sticks e-workbook here
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
I became aware of a pattern developing for me in the second half of 2009: I was feeding the frenzy.
As a solopreneur, there is always something else or something more to do: taking care of clients, marketing, developing a new program, attending regular calls and even more. It’s a job I love, so getting involved with it comes easily. What I want to be more careful of is getting overly involved.
You see, I tend to be a Type A, sensing the urgency of doing things now. And that gets to be an issue when I take on too much, all with that “now” deadline. I think you can see where the frenzy comes from. Then, whatever I do gets less attention and results diminish.
What a contrast from the typical Inner Adventurer: someone who appreciates calm, peaceful atmospheres, who enjoys slower tempos, floating from task to task, is a conscientious worker and is usually focused on what’s going on inside of themselves. This is where it hurts the most because the external frenzy stirs up the interior.
I think you can see why I picked a theme for 2010 of Focus, Not Frenzy. I relish that inner peace and want it to be my normal setting. So here are a few things I’ve done already:
- I remind myself to release expectations and let life flow
- I gauge my energy level at the start of a workday and set out to get a reasonable amount of work done instead of everything on my to-do list
- I pat myself on the back for completing things, which shortens my to-do list
- I schedule in my own personal time, like the massage I have booked for later today
- I focus on what wants to happen and what flows. No more pushing to get results.
I hope that list gives you some inspiration for how you might dodge the frenzy, too. It’s all too prevalent these days. If we are to change this world, all you have to do is drop out of mainstream thinking and doing by adopting what works better for you.
How can you dodge the frenzy?
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948, Indian political, spiritual leader)
There is much talk about changes happening coming soon, some of it related to the anticipation of 2012 in which we see the ending of the ancient Mayan calendar on December 21 of that year. Some predict cataclysmic disaster; others predict incredible reform. Whatever you believe, what remains present is immense opportunity.
What if you could decide which change would be? Go ahead and play with that in your heart for a while. What particular change would you choose?
Would it be more love or joy? Perhaps peace or calm. Maybe it would be compassion, kindness and empathy for other beings. You might choose to connect with others more deeply or take action for a cause close to your heart. Possibly you just want more space. What do you really want to change? Explore to find your unanswered longing.
Inner Adventurers are people who care: care about themselves and about the state of this world. We appreciate the inner connection of all living things. We swim in the energy of life. So setting this intention for what we want is elemental.
The common next step is to think about how to put it into being. But somehow, we slip right into planning the doing of it: what we are going to stop doing and other things we intend to start doing. Okay, we’re human, so indulge this step, but don’t stop here.
Now, what about being it? Yes, I mean being it at your deepest level of spirit or soul. That is the only thing that makes the change. It was what Gandhi was pointing to and what Michael Jackson sung about in the chorus of Man in the Mirror:
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change
To start to dig deeper into the spirit or soul “being-ness” of your longing, ponder these questions:
- Where does this desire come from? What’s behind it? Dig deep to understand it fully.
- How can I give this to myself or allow it to be for me? What can shift?
- What do I want to consciously honor that is already there?
- What is the purest expression of this energy?
Each day, you take the unwritten and write it on the tablet of your life and this world. It’s pure potential and opportunity.
Choose well for it affects all of us.
To work with Sarah in a one-to-one confidential relationship that brings you confidence, self-esteem and inner peace, contact her to explore your promising future
For more of what Sarah has to offer about living an inner-inspired life, visit InnerVantage
So I spent more than 24 hours running different scenarios in my head of what I would say and how he might react. Being prepared for an array of outcomes is very helpful to this process. I felt my inner turmoil, wanting to avoid the confrontation and not wanting to have things stay the way they were. I was spinning!
