Archive for January, 2009.
I’m glad you had the opportunity to meet Nancy in my last post. She’s a big part of what came to be: for me and for my business, InnerVantage.
My own growth was moving along quite well when I noticed that some places felt familiar and comfortable, like I was returning to where I had been before. I was coming to enjoy those places because continual personal development can be uncomfortable at times. Still, I didn’t want to get stuck in comfort, however good it felt, because my focus was still on getting past whatever I missed while growing up.
Until new patterns are set in place, it can take lots of energy to continue growing. Old habits can creep back in on stealth feet like fog,
so softly that it is hard notice them. Then you catch yourself. You hone your grace as you don’t chastise yourself, but instead simply remind yourself of the new way you choose to be.
Soon, I began to see those seemingly familiar places as not quite the same. They were similar, but not the same. I wasn’t going back to quite the same place. I was in a cycle and upward spiral at the same time. Each time I found a comfort spot, I was revisiting that place as a higher, more developed person than the last time I was there. Can you imagine how excited I was? I knew I was growing and had proof that I was accomplishing what I set out to do.
This is where Nancy comes in. I took my discovery to her for one of our meetings. She got excited, too. We spent our time together that day crafting what was happening from my own experiences into a cycle. In a few short hours, the basics were in place.
Teaming up with talented, caring people sure does make things easier. Nancy’s keen questioning helped me so much. She saw things I was overlooking. Trusting the relationship we built, I could be vulnerable and simply not know the answers to some of her inquiries. We found those answers together.
What came from that morning’s work has served me well for over seven years. I call it the 4-Step Self-Generating Cycle. Today, it’s the foundation of my work at InnerVantage and with my private clients. I’ll tell you more about it in the next post.
Inner Adventuring can be hard and time-consuming, especially when you don’t have a model to follow. That’s what the 4-Step Self-Generating Cycle does for everyone who uses it. It gives you the roadmap to show you the way and mark your progress. I’ve used it over and over again, climbing that upward spiral and continually rising to better understanding and more choices.
Is it endless? I think so!
My early days of being an Inner Adventurer were heady and inspiring. Each step yielded me so many clear benefits. The changes felt pronounced because they were the first I’d experienced since childhood. The ice was melting off who I was.
Around this time, I took what felt like a big gamble. I belonged to a local womens’ business group where I was trying to network and failing at most of it because of my introverted nature. One of the members, Nancy, was presenting a workshop with her partner. I attended and I was awed.
I wanted to get to know Nancy better on a more personal level. It was clearly an intuitive hit that I sensed from her kindness and manner. Yet, I did nothing about it at that point because I hadn’t figured out how I would make the request without feeling like I felt flawed or was begging.
It turned out that we had mutual interests and talents. Nancy and I found ourselves on the Professional Development committee and ended up being its co-chairs. It was a natural fit for both of us. Ah, a chance to get closer with her was at hand.
One year, we planned a full day of workshops and development topics. Everything went well and we were mutually proud of our accomplishments. In one workshop we both attended, the suggestion was made to invite a respected colleague to be mutual mentors for one another. I knew right away who I wanted to ask – Nancy. I recalled my intuitive hit and decided now was the time to act on it.
Mustering my courage, heart pounding and palms sweaty, wearing my heart on my sleeve, I presented my offer to her. Gracious as ever, Nancy said she’d be honored to form an alliance with me. This seeming gamble was starting to pay off.
Nancy and I met together for a few hours every couple of weeks. We helped one another by being honest and asking more of each other than we would have asked of ourselves. Having that other person to look to for encouragement and report back to eased the road both of us.
Nancy was a big start on my path to Inner Adventuring. More than a decade later, we still honor one another and spend many great hours together helping create more rewarding lives with each other.
I now believe that every Inner Adventurer needs someone like Nancy on their side. As she did, with them you can open up, be vulnerable knowing there will always be a soft spot to fall and someone to pick you up when you don’t think you can get up on your own, get honest input on how you are coming across to the world and find someone who will challenge you to show your best.
Nancy, my dear friend, you know I cherish our friendship. I wouldn’t have travelled this journey far on my journey without you and your presence. I’m honored to have helped you find a new perspective along with the precious results you have chosen for yourself.
My relationship with Nancy has encouraged me to know myself better, open up and show what’s really within. I’ve also created several other relationships like this one, too. Today, Caroline and Suzi are other solid rocks in my foundation of support. I treasure each of them, for they all bring something uniquely wonderful from who they are to me.
Approaching Nancy with my request terrified me. However, I’ve gotten so many benefits from it that whatever it took, it was worth it. Courage has paid me back.
What foundation of support do you have for your Inner Adventuring?
Back to the story…
As I pursued my new path, each step I took drew me further toward finding the true me – the part that I was overlooking all along. What an adventure it was! It was terrifying at points, but worthwhile from the benefits I was realizing. I learned to grow past my fear, try new things and ended up uncovering what really was missing: a sense of who I was authentically.
My biggest realization was that I had the answers all the time. What I had wanted so much was within me, where before that point I’d been looking outside of me to find something else.
Along the path of growth, I learned to honor my strengths. Amazingly, my strengths were different from those of other people I knew. Up until then, I thought I had to develop the same strengths everyone else had. I suddenly felt the freedom of acknowledging my uniqueness. Living this way felt more natural and comfortable. And I was finding it much easier to be with and relate to other people.
I also made another remarkable discovery: I’d been pretending much of the time. My years in the business world had helped me hone a false persona that appeared uncaring and tough-skinned. What I found beneath that guise was a sensitive soul trying to guard itself from a callous world.
Actually, I did care about many people and things, perhaps too much at times. What went on in life around me affected me deeply. It was time for that softer part to come out of hiding. I wanted to live true to my own genuine way of being. At this point, I could see that business hadn’t been the place for me to let it blossom. I was flourishing in a gentler, more nurturing environment.
One day, years later, I was on the phone with a dear friend and fellow coach. She described me as a “quite an inner adventurer” and it stuck in my mind. That comment crystallized for me that my answers were within. All it took was knowing which questions to ask and having the courage to ask…and answer…them.
As I continued to grow, I started seeing others with new eyes. I saw their fears, low self-esteem, trying to transform supposed weaknesses and living to others’ expectations instead of pleasing themselves. They were likely also missing a part of their natural development as I was. I grew more determined to find other people who were willing to venture within to find their own confidence, comfort and ease as I had begun to experience.
Today, I pay my benefits forward, helping other inner adventurers, introverts and highly sensitive people (HSPs) through what I discovered. I provide understanding and new perspective. I support each client’s dreams and desires while empowering them to experiment with new ideas and options, face their fears, search within and use their own strengths to live freely.
What’s really neat is through this quest I found the ideal way to use my insight and love of mentoring. I help my clients by being their catalyst and guide as I give each of them my wholehearted support. I freely care for each one, knowing that everything matters as I work with them to sort out and focus on what is most important.
That’s my story. The key to unlock your personal brilliance is within your reach; in fact, it is within you. You, too, can find your own confidence, comfort and joy!
The story continues…
In early 2000, a friend introduced me to the field of personal coaching. I experimented with some free classes by phone, as my consulting endeavors were feeling less and less rewarding after 9 years. Hmmm, something was different in this new field. I felt at home with the people I heard on the calls. They shared similar interests. It was still difficult for me to speak up and share but when I did, others noted the value in my comments. This felt like nothing else had ever felt before it.
I decided to become a coach. I wanted a new career but also felt I would gain much personal value and growth from it. The coach must do the work first themselves and therefore are able to share it more deeply with others. In other words, they walk the talk first and be a role model. That felt good to me, as I got the opportunity to test things out and speak about it to others or help them from a place of real experience.
The curriculum held many keys to strengthening who I was as a human being. Funny, I didn’t run across these things when I was growing up. It was like a part of my development was skipped. I was learning things my parents, relatives or teachers didn’t know how to teach me.
So I embraced what I was learning, putting it to use for myself while testing each step. I even engaged my own coach to help me recognize factors I might not notice, make smoother transitions and move along a bit faster than I could on my own. The investment I made in myself was very worthwhile. Here are some of the things I did at the start:
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I found personal needs that weren’t being met and created healthy ways to fill them. For example, I had been ignoring signals from my body. Life became much simpler and easier when I started to meet its needs better than before.
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I set up boundaries that helped protect my spirit. One boundary I put in place allowed me to relax at after work. I stopped answering the phone after a certain hour at night. Since my in-laws were elderly, a special signal was set up so we would answer the phone for them. That step kept this boundary from becoming a wall that kept out what I chose to allow in.
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I developed standards that raised my quality of life to a level I’ve never felt before. This step came a bit later. It was hard to start but turned out to be easier than I thought. This standard involved letting go of relationships that weren’t mutual. I stopped contacting some friends where I had been investing all the energy to stay in touch. I just let it be, knowing they knew how to contact me if they wanted. Some never did. Others learned how to be part of a reciprocal relationship.
This and more started me on an entirely new path. I was beginning to flow.
Part 3 is on its way soon!
When you are an introvert and also highly sensitive (HSP), it’s easy to feel different from other people. Growing up and way into adulthood, there are only fleeting moments where I would feel connected or in tune with others.
I was quiet and not like others around me. I hated playtime at school. I would hover to the edges of the activity, only to find my 
teachers pushing me to get involved in all the romping and running other children were doing. It was all too much: too fast, too noisy and much too much commotion. I didn’t choose to be involved. I saw that my thoughts, reactions, likes and how I did things was nearly opposite of what other thought and did. I felt like I had no way to fit in.
So I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. It seemed every instance convinced me of it more and more. I had few friends and preferred time alone in my room to being with other people. I felt I didn’t belong. Grade school passed. So did high school. And then college. Still no answer.
I kept trying and it all felt so awkward and contrived, as if I was trying to play a role that wasn’t me. I copied what others were doing and tried it on my own. I didn’t succeed at it. For instance, I’ve always had trouble in conversation. Small talk seems like such a waste of time to me, while others thrive at it. When I tried to converse, I’d end up saying something embarrassing, so being silent turned out to be much easier for me. Each failure seemed like all the more reason to feel I was flawed permanently.
Naturally, my path into self-growth started with my pursuit of finding what I was missing or what I was doing wrong. I felt I had to fix myself. I read books, tried new programs, studied psychology and used about every search I could to discover what was missing.
More time passed. I pursued several jobs and found some success, although I was still thinking I was flawed and missed acknowledging the success when it happened. In high school, I worked at selling shoes and did okay because I’d care for each customer. Color, style, fit and comfort – all of it was important. After that, I landed for over 20 years in the banking industry, where I worked my way from teller to training and sales director. In banking, taking care of the customer was important. My boss valued me for my attention to detail and for my people skills. Eventually, I opened my own consulting company.
Gee, if this was what success was all about, how come I still felt dissatisfied? I was pursuing what others were going after and it left me feeling empty and unfulfilled inside. I knew there must be more than what I’d found so far.
Stop back soon for Part 2…
When the Titanic struck an iceberg in the chilly water of the North Atlantic, it didn’t end so happily for many people on board. Are you going down with your ship?
The threat of an iceberg is its proportion. You’ve likely heard the phrase “the tip of the iceberg.” That concept acknowledges their threat. What is so dangerous about icebergs is that more of it is below the waterline than you can see above the surface. The same is true for you.
Beneath your surface is a vastness you can hardly imagine. Most of it is fabulous, yet there are parts within you that don’t serve you so well. No one escapes from it.
There are things from your past: unresolved issues and self-perceptions, to name a few. There are other things, too, like the ones you are trying to create in your future; these things come from your gifts, interests and talents expressing themselves through what you desire.
Then, there is the present. It involves your (often) hidden expectations, needs, emotions, personality and self-esteem. This potent bundle determines your actions, which in turn creates what is to come for you and your life.
What you sense on the surface of your life comes from the issues created by all that is going on underneath your waterline. Its underwater turbulence or calm has a major impact on who you are, where you are going and what it is like for you as you are getting there.
The Inner Adventurer discovers and explores their inner iceberg. They choose to know all of who they really are beneath their surface and beyond the ego, expectations and events that create their life story. This journey to know your iceberg allows the gifts of your soul to shine.
What took down the Titanic doesn’t have to hold you back. Ready to dive in?
